Dear Miss Belle : an open letter to the Southern Woman

Dear Miss Belle,
We are quite acquainted you and I. You were the standard by which I lived by. Boutique Princess, Pageant Queen, Housewife Intern; you were the elusive idol I reached for but never quite touched. You weighed heavy on my soul because you were it's opposite. With every coat of mascara and hairspray I was reminded of what I had to do each morning to measure up to you. I have always just longed to soak up the sunbeams peaking through oak leaves, but you taught me that I always had to be prepared for the spotlight. Your house must be perfect, your roots hidden just like that dirty laundry everyone has. Your waste size a hold over from corsets and bustles , another image unreachable. You taught me that my only fate was to marry the first man I could bait with my pouty lips and coated lashes. My job in the church is to cook for their mamma and them and to keep silent except for gossip time afterwards in the back. You taught me that I had to work that assertiveness out of my system, so I could make a man feel like a man. You taught me that my place in the home was BEHIND a man not besidehim. Your painted lips whispered to me in a sugar sweet drawl "Honey, you look a mess!"
I face you today, hair gone back to it's roots, no longer fighting to rival Carrie Underwood. My face is clear from it's daily paintjob, and my feet are playing in the dirt. My womanhood is no longer defined by your standards. I don't wear camo and you'll never see me huntin' with my daddy. You'll never see me being passive and non descript behind any man. I love fashion....I love hair, but sometimes there's something special about seeing my mother's freckles on my face. I love cooking, but I also love changing my own oil and getting dirty. I'm not going to wait on a man to open my door, but I am going to sweetly thank him when he honours me thus. Jesus loves me this I know...so I don't need your approval.
I Will thank you for Nashville fashion, my twang, cooking skills and my manners, but keep the rest. I am a woman because I have the gift of femininity. I don't have to meet the requirements because I already have them. I rebuke the lies you tell women. I rebuke the idea a woman is not in control of her life and ideas. I rebuke your patriarchal society. I am a boss and a lady, and you can't tell me otherwise.
Cordially,
A Southern Alpha Lady

I Refuse To Be Made Small

Hello everyone! I'm back from...sobatical. Actually, lol no. I'm finally over the lack of acceptance I've found from close minded peers that condescended to be hurtful. I almost gave up writing and spreading my story, and for that I apologize. I apologize for being led by the motives and intentions of others. I apologize for submitting to the fearfully ignorant and allowing others to shut me up as was their intention. I have learned so much about human nature through the contention and ill will I've been the recipient of. Let me share these nuggets of growth so we can all learn from this and keep on keepin' on.
1.)Ingenuity and uniqueness startles the snakes in your life
When you dare to shout your truth, you're identity to the world, when you refuse to conform and blend in, the insecure, the bitter, the vengeful will try to fake you out and scare you back into your place, but they are just puff adders. Puff adders are snakes that make themselves resemble cobras when a predator is in the vicinity. They puff out their necks and lift their heads and ready themselves for a pretend strike, but you know what happens when you approach that cunning fake villain? They pass out. All of the haters are just puff adders, afraid of your hugeness and color. Darlings, keep on walking with your pretty heads lifted high, and don't even honour them with eye contact. They are too weak and little for you.
2.) People sometimes will tell you you're sinning just because they don't understand, and ignorance is safe.
Think back to Acts, the Jewish Christians we're all like "you gentiles can't be real Christians because you eat pork and you still have a foreskin."*to paraphrase the situation* God nipped that in the bud by chastising Peter in a dream for calling unclean what he made clean. People are gonna say you're wrong when you're unique and genuine because ingenuity scares people. Listen to the Holy Spirit and He'll let you know about it. They burned Joan of Arc at the stake because she talked to God and that scared them...hopefully it doesn't escalate that quickly, but hey, Joan of Arc was a boss and you, my dear, are too. People often find sinful what they are jealous of or what they don't understand.
3.) Let your haters be your motivators!
If the Coach on the opposite team is angry, you're playing the game right. When you are living life out loud that's going to piss Satan off! It's also gonna irritate those under his thumb that are being used by him. The more those in his court want you to fail, want you to be silent, the more you better win and holler like a boss! Take that negative feed back as encouragement.
"No one can make you feel inferiorwithout your consent."
-Eleanor Roosevelt

The Hand I was Dealt: Playing with an Ace of Spades

             Hello, Lovelies! It has been a while yet again, but I'm really excited about this series of posts I'm sending your way starting today. This series is going to be called E.M. or Emilie's Makeup. No, it's not some beauty tutorial or a look inside of my "paint bucket" (aka make up bag), it's a two part series that will allow me to describe a certain aspect of myself in one article and then what I believe about said aspect biblically and conviction wise in another article. This will allow me to be raw and real about myself. Maybe you will be able to relate to my uniqueness, or maybe this might just grow you and allow you to cope with the uniqueness of others. I hope this allows you to see me in a different light, and more importantly, I hope this sheds light and awareness on some things that are important and close to me. Let's plunge into the unknown, shall we?

         My Sexuality

         This particular article is something I have been ruminating on, writing and rewriting for about a month now. I wondered how this would be interpreted. I questioned if people would misunderstand me based on this; and to answer my own little question, OF COURSE they will, and that's ok. The truth is often misunderstood, but that doesn't alter the fact that it's still the truth. If you are reading this though, please be open to this truth about me. Please try to think outside of social norms, and your own experiences if they are not congruent with what I am trying to convey. Also, try to educate yourself and be open to learning about something that you don't understand. If by chance you DO relate to this, then that's awesome, just know that my beliefs might make my understanding of this attribute we share a tad different than what is conventionally out there, but I am still a friendly, even if we may disagree on the details.
         I could continue to try to ease into this revelation, or I could just boldly declare it and then back-pedal an inch at a time; I prefer the latter. Everyone, I am asexual. Now that the suspense has been lifted and replaced by a surge of panic induced adrenaline in the hearts of my peers and loved ones, let me explain what this means, doesn't mean and what it all means concerning me personally:

What is Asexuality?

       Before I proceed, let me clarify that I am not saying that I utilize photosynthesis and bud like a plant for the means of reproduction. If you see me sunbathing for relaxation purposes, I am not producing glucose and branching off into rose buds (even though I think that's a beautiful idea). Forget that biological definition, because I am not some kind of sci-fi movie plot.

       Asexuality is defined as the absence of sexual (physical) attraction. Let's break down this word for further explanation: the prefix "a-", derived from the Greek to mean "away from", and the Latin to mean "not" or "away from", and the word "sexual", a descriptive adjective referencing a being as having the drive to participate in sexual activities (in this context).  To clarify, this means that when I see someone, I do not relate to them based on any kind of sexual feeling, tension, chemistry etc... I have never experienced physical attraction with anyone. I know that seems baffling because everything in society seems sex-based or sex-motivated. Asexuality means that an individual has no initial drive/want/need to sexually (i.e. physically) join/play with/fantasize/experiment with anyone. By "want" I'm not referencing  deciding or choosing not to participate sexually based on principle or preference as in celibacy, but literally not reacting sexually to others. I have never met someone and physically reacted to them. I have never been in close proximity with a guy and felt physically drawn to them for that purpose. I have never seen a physical attribute of another person that has made me experience physical desire or lust. I have never experienced the "magic" of what a kiss is supposed to make you feel or awaken in you. That is all that means. I am not a sexual person. I am not sexually attracted to guys or girls. I am not confused. There is nothing physically wrong with me (believe me, I investigated this). I have not been sexually traumatized into feeling this way, I am still a virgin in every sense of the word. I simply have no desire to do the dirty, and that's ok!

     Sex isn't the only attractive thing in the world. If you are sexual, that's perfectly ok and natural, but there are other forms of attraction that co-exist with and outside of sexual attraction. The main identified types of attraction are sexual, aesthetic, and romantic. Aesthetic attraction is the idea of being drawn to someone or something because of its beauty. For example, I find the statue of "David" beautiful because I am drawn to the amazing elegance and strength of the lines in the statue's body, but I am also drawn to David Beckham for the same reason. Aesthetic attraction is the pull you feel to a painting, a style of clothing, a song, a sunset or the beauty of another person. It is not sexual. A sexual person can find a person beautiful without being sexually attracted to them; that too is aesthetic attraction. This is where it may get a little muddy, but bear with me, and I will try to explain. Romantic attraction is the draw or pull to be in a romantic relationship with someone, and this too is not always aligned with sexual attraction. This is the "in-love" feeling. Some asexuals (ace for short) do feel romantic attraction, the draw to emotional intimacy and commitment to another person, and some do not. Those that do not refer to themselves as "aromantic" (aero for short). I have only felt what I best understand as romantic attraction once in my life, it is not something that happens to me usually. This may describe my title: in the asexual community, the ace of spades is symbolic of the aromantic asexuals, and the ace of hearts is used to represent the romantic asexuals (I'm not strictly either because of that one time, but I more closely relate to aromantic and I needed a catchy title). Just remember, sex without commitment happens all the time, but commitment without sex happens also.

Fun Facts:

1.) Some asexuals have sex and like it, and some don't. To put it bluntly, the initial desire isn't there but the equipment still works, but just because you have the equipment doesn't mean you have to use it either. Some aces choose to have sex for procreation, to meet the needs of their partner, out of curiosity or not at all. Me personally, I'm a virgin so.... you decide.

2.) Some asexuals want relationships and some don't. I know it's shocking to think of anyone not allured by sexuality wanting a relationship, but sex isn't the only purpose behind exclusive partnership. Some aces however, are perfectly satisfied with friendships.  I don't know if a relationship is for me, but I'm open to whatever God may call me to.

3.) Some asexuals are Christians, and some aren't. This is a universal thing people! We need more individuals from different creeds and backgrounds to speak out and explain their stories. You aren't dysfunctional because you aren't horny. Your lack or presence of desire doesn't signify your closeness or distance from God. You don't have to be an agnostic hipster to identify as ace. I love Jesus, but the only fruit I'm excited about multiplying is the kind that grows on trees.


     Basically, all asexuals are humans, and we have preferences and make choices. This isn't something ridiculously extreme, it isn't unnatural and it isn't a sin. This is who I am and there is nothing wrong with that. Being asexual has been a huge gift in my life in hindsight. I am able to love without the hardships that often come with sexuality. I am able to give council platonically. I am able to see past gender roles and biases. I am whole. I am not broken. No, it's not that I haven't found the right one. This is me, I have accepted it, and I know God is going to show me what he has for me, because I was created this way for a reason.

    I hope this is clear enough to be understood, I know this is probably very confusing but I hope you read this with an open mind. Soon I will post my biblical convictions on this topic and hopefully it will clarify. If anyone has any questions please message me.


   Blessings.






       

      

        

The Great Antelope Massacre

       Today is just another day in a small college town.  I am privileged enough to be able to be a part of a Christian community here. I love the fact that prayer, missions and general service is commonly encouraged and preached. I am proud of the fact that a great ratio of individuals here share a commonality with me: salvation in Jesus. That being said, something of quite an opposite nature is soaking into this happy little life on the mountain top, and it grieves me.
      I'm sitting at the brand new coffee shop near campus and people watching. Some people watch birds, others- squirrels, but psychology majors, we watch people. People are so diverse in their characteristics, much like any creature, and watching such spectacles in their habitat just seems natural. When large groups of people collect in any given area, their conversation reaches a public decibel of loudness, and I happened to over hear a conversation of ministry students as they discussed why they didn't associate with or "click with" certain individuals. Was the reasoning due to some personal harm caused or unrepentant sin? Sadly, again and again the reasons given were materialistic: gender roles, style, seminary of choice, reformed or free will, southern Baptist or not. "She didn't talk about Jesus enough", "He only uses this Bible", "She has different ideas about gender ministry roles" and my favorite, "He doesn't like Matt Chandler..."; I was frankly appalled. Have we limited our fellowship to superficial associations that just happen to have Jesus as a common denominator? Have we reduced our bond as the Body of Christ to a bunch of shallow, middle school interactions?  If this was you then,YOU CAN'T SIT WITH ME, YOU ARE TOO CLOSED-MINDED!! I jest, but seriously....
      When observing nature in all its beauty, one will eventually see something repugnant and stomach churning such as a lion devouring and ripping apart an antelope- it's not lovely, but it's reality. That analogy is really graphic and dramatic; I literally just giggled at myself after I read over that pretentious statement, but when I get stirred up, said ridiculousness finds a way out of my mind. Figuratively speaking, I experienced the massacre of an antelope. In the beauty that is Christian community, the predator that I have seen rip us apart the most is "Status Quo Christianity". What I mean by Status Quo Christianity is this: we have disillusioned ourselves with the asinine idea that being a Christian is a desired social status in which one is expected to meet certain ridiculous miniscule criteria.
     I'm not saying that we don't have certain people with whom we just connect with, but if we are turning our nose down to people because we equate holiness with a legalistic checklist of what a person has to encompass in order to fit in our little inner circles of Christian brotherhood, then WE ARE WRONG! No, I'm not saying that standards are wrong. A standard is a deep seated conviction that YOU hold YOURSELF to. If someone is negatively affecting your walk with Christ, then remove yourself from that association. However, to herald your walk above someone else due to preference or stylistic differences is WRONG, it is SIN. Throughout the past few years, I have seen this societal disease affect the local Body of Christ in my college and even hometown communities, and I have been affected by this myself on a hurtful level. This may sound like some knew-fangled, mutated sin that has hybridized and evolved since initial depravity, but actually, this nonsense affected the early church as well.
      In Acts 10, the Lord approached Peter in a dream commanding him to eat from "unclean animals". He uses this symbolism to allude to the cultural, preferential snobbery that was happening with the Jewish believers towards the Gentile believers. There was a schism in the church due to cultural minutia. The Jewish believers didn't believe that salvation was available to the Gentile believers because of their uncircumcision and non-kosher diets. God assertively tells Peter in verse 15 "Do not call anything impure that I have made clean." Initially this may seem to be in reference to the non-kosher food that the Lord requests that Peter eat, but this dream in the passage's context is allegorical to the "reject" Gentile believers. To paraphrase the Lord here, "Leave them alone, and quit being snobs; they are enough."
       We are all equal in sin, and we are all equally valuable in the blood of Jesus. Your Chacos, Holman Standard Bible, and your seminary aspirations do not make you any better than your more humble brothers and sisters serving Jesus in a less intellectual manner. We focus so much on the minutia, the little insignificant things, that we forget our commonality! The bottom line is this: as long as we agree on doctrine-depravity, sin-debt, the cross, grace, redemption through faith, salvation through Christ alone- we are equal and compatible for communion as Christ's body. I'm not saying we should all be besties for the resties because we love Jesus and therefore should go get brotherhood tattoos (ummm....nah), compatibility and commonality on a preferential level is needed for intimate friendships, I get that! That's not wrong, but we shouldn't base a person's relationship with Christ on our preferences. Our personal convictions are just that...personal. What you feel led to do stylistically is exclusive to your own walk.
    Lastly, we also need to shake one another and shout the mantra "Jesus is not a designer label"! Jesus is not a fashion statement. As long as you are dressed in a way that is not incongruent with scripture, you're fine! Jesus is more than a fad. Jesus isn't a style akin to hipster, grunge or preppy. Jesus is a call to destroying stereotypes. Jesus is a call to risk comfort on behalf of one another. Jesus is a call to accepting diversity. Jesus is a call to worship beside those that are different than us. Jesus is a call to be unique and individual but common in our love for Christ and each other. Jesus is a call to sacrifice. That's what Jesus looks like! Wear your mission t-shirts, or don't. Sport your bag made in Africa to support the End It movement, or don't. But DO love Jesus. Do be kind and understanding of others' differences. Jesus received water from an unclean woman at the well, can we at least commune with one another as brothers and sisters despite our differences?
    

Catch the Wave! DIY Hair Styling Salt Spray

So... If you're anything like myself, hair is an important part of your life. Mine is wild and cannibalistic I'm fairly sure, and I often need a little style boost for my ferocious locks. Hair products are so hard to find that are natural AND affordable, and I don't want anything that will undo my wonderful no-poo hair! So here's a little salty creation I kinda nabbed from Pinterest and adapted. 

Here are two versions I've made, one for myself, and one for Luke. I thought it would be nice to show you how to adapt this recipe to fit your hair texture, because this isn't one size fits all.

 

 

 

   

 Her version

 

For dry, curly or coarse hair...

What You Will Need:

-8-12 oz. squirt bottle

- 4 tablespoons of salt (epsom, sea salt) fine grain

- 1tbsp sugar

- 1/4 c emulsified (liquid) coconut oil

- 1-2 drops essential oils (optional

- warm water to fill (abtout 2 cups)

 

 

 

   

His version

 

For fine, limp or slippery hair...

What You Will Need:

- 8-12 oz squirt bottle

- 6 tbsp salt (increase for desired texture)

- 2 tbsp sugar (increase for desired 

hold)

- eessential oils for fragrance (optional)

- warm water to fill

Shake It Up!

Combine all dry ingredients in spray bottle, then add warm water and oils. Secure top and shake vigorously. This is the fun part where you get to try out your dance moves.

Spray and Play!

Spray throughout dry or damp hair, roughly rake through it with your fingers, and then tossle or scrunch. Your locks will be luscious and friendly; looking beautiful and waving at everyone :)

Pastey White: DIY Whitening Toothpaste

 

 

 

    Hello Lovelies!

 

       Sorry I haven't written an entry in a week or so, I've been running ragged with sectional exams this past week. Alas, I am here, and with my first DIY project tutorial!! When I made this commitment to live a little more naturally, I always said that I wouldn't go green at the expense of looking homely. I've actually found that many of these product replacements have improved my aesthetic over all. I've had more hits than misses in this diy-pinterest recipe madness. If you are a beginning DIYer  or if you are thinking about being a DIYer, just remember that it's not as difficult as you might think, and you don't have to tackle some huge project to initiate yourself into the tribe of clean living. I make most of my concoctions in my college dorm, so if you are expecting Pioneer Woman and her log cabin and organic garden, lower your expectations.This little project is perfect for beginners. Enjoy!

 

   What You'll Need:

• Coconut oil
• Baking soda
• Mint extract
• Vanilla extract (optional)
• 3 squirts of liquid agave (optional)
• Coffee mug or small bowl
• Teaspoon and Tablespoon
• Plastic spoon to mix with
• small one ounce covered container

      Ok, a few tips about the above products, the best place to buy the oil and baking soda is at Kroger ( I know the picture shows Great Value, but the best deal is at Kroger). The coconut oil is under $6 there, and the Kroger brand baking soda is $.98 and vegan.

 

 

 

•    3 heaping tbsp. Coconut oil
•    4 tbsp. baking soda
•    2 tsp. mint extract
•    1 tsp. vanilla extract
•    3 squirts agave

 

      Directions:

               melt coconut oil in mug or bowl for 30 seconds or until liquefied. Mix in other ingredients and stir. cover container and place in fridge or leave at room temperature to solidify, stirring occasionally.

      The consistency is definately different than regular, minty paste toothpaste, but it cleanse exceptionally and freshens. The whitening part is phenomenal as well!

 

 

      There you have it, fresh and natural toothpaste. Enjoy!

    

 

    

 

 

Broken but Beautiful

          * A brief note: The following article is a reflection of struggles, mostly past that I dealt with. I just really feel led by the Holy Spirit to share these things today. Family, friends, don't be alarmed, I am in a good place spiritually, mentally and emotionally now in my life, so read this and rejoice in how the Lord has delivered me, and continues to grow me and guard me.

                 This morning I woke up and decided I needed a lot of alone time today, so I stayed in my jammies and did laundry in between episodes of Chrisley Knows Best and trying out a random diy project. The truth is, I woke up this morning with just a glint of my past struggles breathing down my neck: the struggle to feel like I am enough. That is a common struggle for every person in our society- male and female- but for years to me, it was a sickness, a disease, and this morning I woke up with that same boa constrictor peaking around the corner. I've never publicly shared this before, but as I reflected on my story this morning, and how the Lord continuously grows and rescues me, I felt convicted to put this into writing. So bear with me and know that this is a battle of pride and allowing myself to be vulnerable with you guys. In James 5 it tells us to share one another's burdens and struggles ( specifically sin, but I think it applies to the happenstance struggles too).

              Ever since I can remember, I have always dealt with body image issues triggered by a huge dollop of anxiety I refused to acknowledge. As a little girl it seemed probably understandable, an only child facing peers outside of her family for the first real time in her life: it seemed logical that I was perceived as just being unsure of myself and ultra aware socially. I remember though, crying at myself in the mirror before school because I thought my curly hair made me resemble a monster, and it didn't help that I was always the tall girl, bigger than everyone else. I was just so different, and I was literally petrified of not being like the pretty girl in class. As I grew into my teens the problem became more prominent. My hair was huge, my curves were ample, and I would secretly wake up extra early for class every morning so I could analyze every aspect of myself that was different and do my best to cover it up. I still managed to arrive late most days because concealing myself was a top priority. I covered up my issues with my seemingly confident, bubbly personality, and goofy shenanigans, and as high-school progressed, I started using bulimic methods to "control" my weight. What started off as a seemingly normal case of social insecurity had finally shown itself for what it really was: Body dysmorphia. Body Dysmorphia is the obsession over a minor or even imagined flaw to the point of anxiety and debilitation. I literally saw myself as a caricature of what I really was.
 
    Throughout proms, pageants, plays, and anything else public and image oriented you can imagine, I suffered panic attacks because of my perception of my physicality. The thought of falling short of the mark petrified me, and any teasing or common bullying left me hollow and depressed to the extreme. Also, like many traditional evangelical households, those kind of problems just weren't discussed: We didn't talk about those kind of issues. You prayed, had faith and it would go away. But it didn't go away and I felt totally alone.

   Psalms 139: 13-14 13 For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb. 14 I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well.…

    Throughout my struggle, I somehow seemed to find this scripture everywhere-devotionals, church, facebook- it's just the go-to thing to say or write to a person dealing with such identity struggles. I remember thinking, "God, I am so glad You think You did an amazing job with me, but why? Why did You make me this way? Why did You decide  to form me into this thing that haunts me every day?"

   Then came college. I still hadn't resolved my self-perceived image with myself or with the Lord. I didn't even talk to him about it, because the most I was told concerning my anxieties growing up was that I needed to quit complaining and fishing for compliments because vanity was a sin. Was I just vain? Were these feelings sin? Before going to school my freshmen year, I just kind of got rid of my whole image; I dyed my blonde hair dark, left the makeup and fashion alone, and kind of hid. Hid my extroversion from the world, my light. God never left me though, he dragged my butt to a college in Blue Mountain, Mississippi for a reason! Boy, was He ever about to shake and move in my life. My freshmen year of college, God began to show me that I was worth it, that people found me worth it. I collided into the life of this crazy, disastrous, wonderful fabulous graduate named Stacy who literally poured life into me. We were talking life one day in her humble, sweet little apartment, and I don't even know where the conversation came from or where it was going even, but she uttered these words to me, "Emilie, you are beautiful. Every ounce of you. I see the beauty of the King in you, and it grieves His heart that you don't see yourself as valuable. Why in heck are you hiding your beauty, and why in heck are you not blonde right now??!!" My view of myself was discouraging confidence in others, and grieving the Lover of my soul. He created something and called it 'good', but I saw it as trash.

      Let me clarify, it is not sin or wrong to be plagued with a mental illness. That is not your fault, you did not choose that; I didn't choose that. However, it becomes a sin in the life of a believer, when your mental health is hindering your spiritual walk, and you refuse to see it, claim it, and seek help for it. The mental illness isn't your choice, but your reaction to it is. I wallowed in my sickness for a while before ever seeking his face for healing.

    Through this transformation into my sophomore year, God was still hammering into my shell to crack me open and pour out my vulnerability. I met a wonderful soul that year, and that's when things really started to transform. In life, there are few people that bull doze your walls and dramatically change you: I had the privilege of meeting such a person. Names are not needed, this person will know who they are; they will probably be the first person to read this blog, and the last person that will think this is about them. Because of your beautiful soul, I was able to see my own vulnerability and struggles through your struggles. Helping you and being helped by you helped me to realize that I deserved to see better in myself. You saw better in me, thank you. You probably...no definitely, quite literally, saved my life on quite a few occasions, I don't think I ever told you that. You encouraged me to embrace the wild abandon that God created in me.

      Onward into my FIRST senior year (fifth year senior, y'all), my vulnerability came to a head, and everything would come crashing down and fall together at the same time. I always knew I was anxious- you know, jittery, twitchy, ADHD like- I always had been. Suddenly though, the thud, thud, thud of my heart sounded like the base line to a Ke$ha song, and not in a pleasant way. I was doing well to get maybe three hours of sleep at night, and the pounding rush of adrenaline that scathed it's way through my veins suddenly making every negativity, mishap, mistake real or imagined come flooding into my consciousness and debilitate me. When I say debilitate, I mean it. Like literally your body feels heavy and bruised because of your lack of rest so you cannot even move. During the day, sometimes I'd jump at a random sound like a sprinkler pfft pfft pfting it's spray across the lawn. Hypersensitive, hyperaware, and hyper-weary. Panic attacks are like waves crashing over a drowning person, your down and as soon as you rise here comes another heavy rush slapping you back down into the depths. I had a problem. It had been the problem all along.

     With the help of said above amazing person, I received help and was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, or GAD. Through much struggle and fidgeting with what medication was best for me, and lifestyle changes I needed to make, I finally found equilibrium. I stand before you today off of all medication and in control of my anxiety. Praise be to a gracious God who makes a habit out of picking up his sinking disciples.

   I want you to know, that I look back now and see that God was with me all along. I know His goodness and strength in a way I never could have before. He literally kept me from drowning. I wasn't sucked under, I didn't sink. In the moment, I thought that God had forgotten me, that he was punishing me, but praise His glorious name, He didn't. The verse that uplifted me during my struggle was Psalm 30:5:

   Weeping may last for the night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning.


     My night of weeping was long and intense, but I write this to you today to tell you that the shout of joy is worth the tears, the pain, the nights of overwhelming loneliness. The shout of joy is God's deliverance; sunshine bursting through the storm; a soul once imprisoned that is set free. Because of the darkness I know light. I thirst after it. I chase it. I don't know your story, or your pain, but I want you to know joy is coming. Throw up your hands to the lover of your soul. Joy is coming. You may be going through a time of brokenness. Joy is coming. You may hate the figure in the mirror. Joy comes in the morning.

     I now love my big hair and my crazy laugh and all of those things that caused me disgust and fear. I still struggle to embrace my body, but I am on a journey of health and finding myself beautiful.The Creator of all things good finds you ravishing. He desires you. You are necessary. The things that cause you to hate yourself are the same things that cause someone else to love you. If you need me, no matter who you are, I'm here. Contact me and I will weep with you and try my best to lead you to the comfort of Jesus's arms. I'm here because He reached down and saved me from the waves. I hope my story encourages you and gives you hope.

All my Love.